


I go back to black

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Durincest, M/M, Pining, repressed feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-13 16:21:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/826306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the middle of their company party, Fili is confronted by his feelings for Kili. Fili tries to ignore them. Kili doesn't make it easy.</p>
<p>  <i>“Do you remember that night?”</i></p>
<p>  <i>Fili closed his eyes.</i></p>
<p>  <i>“You know... a few years back? That night we’d both been drinking. We probably drank too much to be honest.” Kili huffed. “...You remember don’t you?” He leaned back onto his heels, fingers slowly trailing off Fili’s legs, and brushed his bangs from his face. He stared into the space to the side of Fili as if seeing what had taken place so many years ago there.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. go numb until I can't feel

**Author's Note:**

> After watching The Great Gatsby all I wanted was a tragic modern AU romance between Fili and Kili spanning over the years with lots of angst, pining, and repression. This is a piece of that idea. Inspired by Beyonce and Andre 3000's version of "Back to Black".

Fili’s heart pounded and he fought to control his panicked breathing. He sunk back into the leather couch in Thorin’s private study. Fili gripped his beer bottle, focusing on the condensation dripping down his hands as the darkness of the room washed over him. Thorin’s antique grandfather clock ticked down the seconds as he calmed down, breath evening out, mind drifting away. He startled at the door opening, light and distorted noise pouring in before Kili closed the door behind him. The room was silent. When Kili spoke it was too loud.

“What’d you leave so fast for?” Kili asked. “Sitting alone when there’s a party is just not cool dude.” Kili shuffled towards Fili, stumbling mid-step. He stopped in front of him but moved no closer. Fili was thankful. He could still feel Kili’s hand against his lower back and the whisper of his stubble every time he’d leaned down to speak over the noise. Fili ignored Kili looming ahead of him, dipping his chin down and eyeing his bottle. He fiddled with the label, tearing off the wet paper in pieces. The silence dragged on as Kili continued to stare.

“Maybe I just got tired of all the noise,” Fili said at last. Kili shifted from one foot to the other.

“Yeah, company parties are no fun, lots of shit music and even shittier people. Made me sad when you left all of a sudden...”

Fili had no response. He couldn’t very well say I left because of you. Kili would demand to know why, entitled to an answer as he was to everything else of Fili’s, but Fili wouldn’t be able to provide him one. Not now, not ever. He never wanted to remember things better left forgotten; all those years ago pressing close against Kili, smelling alcohol on his breath, _tasting_ alcohol on his breath. Tonight in the midst of the party all around people who knew them and people who didn’t Fili had felt the rush of anxiety at what they must have thought seeing Kili drunkenly drape himself all over Fili. He’d felt guilty and caught out, knowing his pleasure must have shown from all of Kili’s attention. And so he had escaped to the confines of Thorin’s room away from the party, away from Kili, away from himself.

Kili moved again and slowly knelt in front of him. Fili’s stomach twisted. His brother sought his face. Fili stared at his bottle. “What’s wrong, Fee?” Kili whispered. He rested his hands on Fili’s knees, weighing him down to the couch, and rubbed his thumbs along the inside seam of his trousers. Fili swallowed thickly.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he forced out. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. The room too small, Kili and his touch and everything it meant too stifling. “I think I had too much to drink.” This was true. He was sure it was true of Kili as well.

“Oh,” Kili said as he rubbed meaningless patterns over Fili’s thighs. And then shattering the quiet:

“Do you remember that night?”

Fili closed his eyes.

“You know... a few years back? That night we’d both been drinking. We probably drank too much to be honest.” Kili huffed. “...You remember don’t you?” He leaned back onto his heels, fingers slowly trailing off Fili’s legs, and brushed his bangs from his face. He stared into the space to the side of Fili as if seeing what had taken place so many years ago there.

“You have to remember, I can’t believe you could have forgotten. Only I think about it all the time, you see? I think about all the little ways things could have gone differently. Not so what happened wouldn’t have happened, no.” Kili laughed again and it was a lost, faraway sound. “But how things could have kept going...”

Fili choked, a little pained noise escaping him. Kili’s eyes cut to him. “So you do remember.”

Fili’s whole body tensed and he restrained the knee-jerk reaction to give in to Kili and give in to this thing they shared. He kept himself from truthfully answering _I do not consciously remember what happened but in my dreams you held your body against mine and you felt so warm and your clothes were rumpled and you kissed me so sweetly and I want you in any way I can have more every day_. It took all his strength to carve out the words, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kili stared at him. “You don’t remember.”

Fili tried the lie again. “We’ve been shitfaced a lot of times together and I don’t remember half of them, Kee.” Fili was suddenly thankful he brought his beer with him; having his hands full kept them from shaking.

Kili’s glassy eyes did not blink.

“You don’t remember.” Kili repeated, his voice carefully blank, his body so very still.

“What, was there something important I was supposed to remember?” Fili asked, also keeping his voice carefully blank.

A crestfallen look came over Kili and he unsteadily got to his feet. He wrapped his arms around himself. With a twisted grin he said, “No, of course not, I’m just talking shit, ignore me. I think I’ve had too much to drink too.” He retreated from Fili’s space. “I should probably go to bed in one of the guest rooms and sleep it off, unless....” His voice picked up in a hopeful lilt and he gave Fili an imploring look.

Fili had never felt so cruel in his life. “I think that’s for the best.”

Kili’s face broke. He left the room without saying goodnight, only murmuring “I understand” as he walked away.

Alone Fili collapsed in on himself; hunched over, face in his hands, small tremors wracking his body. He repeated to himself every person and entity he was responsible to until his desire faded to the recesses of his mind once again. He stared into space, mind divided, and felt numb.


	2. ever since I was a child, cried and cried and cried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who commented and left kudos! I really appreciated it and I hope you enjoy this next installment.

Fili woke with an ache in his neck, his arm completely numb. He couldn’t remember where he was. He cracked open his eyes. He winced in the dim light but recognised the hideous navy blue baroque wallpaper as Thorin’s study swirling in his vision and groaned. He cursed himself for falling asleep on the uncomfortable sweaty leather couch as he carefully shifted onto his back and stretched out his arms and legs. Any thought he began to form flitted away from him, unable to follow the threads to their natural progression. It felt as if his brain was working through a thick coating of molasses. Fili rubbed the sleep from his eyes and stared unseeingly at the ceiling.

Fili was not sure how much time had passed in his catatonic state before a tentative knock sounded at the door. He shifted his eyes and saw Kili peaking inside the room, an uncertain look on his face. Kili hesitated at the door as if not expecting Fili to be awake. Fili blinked, taking awhile to process what he was seeing, before croaking out, “Are you gonna come in or what?” He cleared his throat and scrubbed at his face.

Kili edged inside, the door hanging open behind him. Kili fiddled with the hem of his hoodie a good distance away from him and looked around the room. His eyes tripped over Fili for a second before looking elsewhere once again. Fili frowned at his unusual behavior but was not awake enough to decipher Kili’s odd mood.

“You feeling ok?” Kili mumbled, gaze close enough to the vicinity of where Fili lay. He scuffed his shoe against the floor, his movements stilted as he led himself taut across the room from Fili. “You’re not hung over or anything?”

“A bit,” Fili admitted and fought against a sudden yawn. He smiled at Kili. “But mostly I’m still waking up.” Kili’s mouth lifted in the corners but he shifted like he wasn’t sure he wanted to stay in the room or not. Fili frowned in confusion. Kili was acting so cagey.

“Why are you way over there? Come here, silly,” he said and patted the couch. He determinedly ignored the slight roiling in his stomach at the motion. Kili hesitated, mouth opening before closing it with an audible click. He gave Fili a hard look. Fili beckoned him closer. “C’mere and say good morning.”

Kili’s whole demeanor changed. His body opened up and he grinned wide, eyes crinkling in the corners. He hurried to Fili’s side and kneeled on the floor next to him on the couch and pressed a kiss against his temple murmuring “good morning”. Something niggled in the back of Fili’s head and he felt a sense of unease creep up his spine but he ignored it as Kili ran his fingers through his short hair, lightly scratching his head. Fili closed his eyes and basked in the attention. He hummed his appreciation to Kili, reaching up and holding onto his arm and scraping his nails through his arm hair.

“Want me to get you a cup of coffee or water or something?” Kili asked, his voice soft and low and pleasing in Fili’s ear.

“Yeah, water would be good,” Fili answered absently, content in Kili’s presence and ministrations. Kili nodded and cupped Fili’s head before he got up and made his way to the door. Fili’s stomach rumbled and he called out, “And some toast!”

Kili scoffed, “You’re gonna have to get that yourself. I’m not getting you breakfast too, asshat.” Fili flipped him off and Kili laughed his way out of the room.

Fili forced himself to sit up and rested against the back of the couch. In the quiet of the room Fili let his mind wander. He thought of the party; Ori sneaking a flute of champagne while Dori was distracted, talking to the pretty young woman who worked for Thranduil, Kili pressing against his side and nuzzling into his neck, drinking a lot of wine.

Fili’s hand twitched, anxiety creeping up on him once again. He drummed his fingers against his legs and focused his muddled mind. The events came back to him slowly at first, gaining speed until it hit him exactly why he’d ended up in here and what’d happened between him and his brother.

Tension assaulted his body, muscles clenching tight in shock. “Fuck,” he choked out and gripped his head as a headache suddenly hit him. How could he have forgotten that? He felt sick as his stomach plummeted. He understood Kili’s odd behavior now. Kili hadn’t known how Fili would react to seeing him, whether they would just ignore what’d happened and move on like before or if Fili would reject him.

The realization struck him that without knowing he’d prompted Kili to come to him and he’d welcomed his affection like a dog, always eager to see Kili and receive his attention. How could he properly reject Kili’s overtures when Fili couldn’t even remember he was supposed to? He couldn’t even differentiate between the appropriate behavior between brothers and the intimate behavior of lovers! There was absolutely no distinction between the two in the way he acted towards Kili and allowed Kili to act towards him. Fili grimaced. He was disgusting.

Fili could feel the world he had built for himself crack around him. He was an idiot to ever think he could suppress the part of him that loved Kili wrong. How could he trust himself to control his insidious desire when all of what he felt for Kili was an intrinsic part of him, built in the foundations of who he was; and when his waking mind hadn’t yet caught up to the world Fili had loved Kili wholly without pause and welcomed it in turn.

It was no consolation he suspected Kili felt the same, that he burned inside with want for his brother and craved his touch just as he did. He could have unknowingly influenced Kili over the years with his sick feelings without ever realizing it. Fili broke out in a cold sweat. But maybe that wasn’t true, he rushed to reassure himself. It was quite possible Kili was going through a phase or playing some kind of sick joke. It wasn’t very long ago Kili’s habit of perpetual bed-hopping and Kili hadbeen drunk both times he’d approached him. Fili couldn’t put much credence to Kili’s feelings he decided. He alone was responsible for the predicament they were in.

Fili was forced to accept the way he had been living was over. He would never be free from his incestuous feelings for Kili no matter how hard and long he’d tried to deny himself. Fili dimly remembered as a young boy just beginning to understand his confusing feelings, crying himself hoarse to sleep, desperately praying to feel differently, to be good, for it to all go away. He had tried so hard, damn it, and it was all for nothing. He was still in love with his stupid goof of a brother. Fili felt similar to being in a car crash--in shock knowing his love was inherently wrong, whiplashed into understanding there wasn’t anything he could do to change it. But he had to do something. He couldn’t go on like this. It wasn’t fair to Kili.

He was still reeling on the couch when Kili walked back in. Kili took one look at him, pale and shaking, and rushed towards him. “Shit Fili, you ok?” He set down the glass of water and a small plate of toast and fruit on the table beside the couch and crouched in front of Fili. “Are you gonna hurl, do you need me to grab the trash can?” He rubbed a hand up and down Fili’s arm in an attempt to soothe him. Fili weakly brushed him away.

“I’m fine,” he muttered, avoiding Kili’s eyes. He needed to not look at Kili, to not be here, to not be himself. It felt like his mind was screaming at him, forcing him to be aware of all the ways he’d let Kili down as a brother, cruelly replaying memory after memory tainted now with underlying depravity. Their quiet intimate moments they had shared alone soured in his mind. He needed something to do with hands, something to distract him. He looked around the room. He asked, “Where’s my phone?”

Kili frowned, concern for his brother clear on his face, but he got up to look for Fili’s phone anyway. “It’s not in your one of your pockets?” Kili asked, rummaging through things on top of Thorin’s desk. Fili brushed his pockets and shook his head, hands opening and closing in anxiety. “Maybe it fell out while you were sleeping,” Kili added. That hadn’t even occurred to Fili, too devastated to think coherently. He looked around himself, reaching past the cushions and feeling around. After a brief search he found it.

“Got it,” he said and unlocked his phone. _1 New Message_. He stared at his alert message, ignoring Kili hanging in his peripheral vision. Fili willed him to go away. He opened his texts. _Unknown Contact_.

Kili rubbed the back of his neck, confused by Fili’s change in mood. “Well if you’re feeling better, there’s water and food on the table. I was thinking maybe we could do something later if you’re feeling up to it...” He trailed off. Fili wasn’t listening. “Are you sure you’re ok?” Kili asked again, apprehension heavy in his tone. Fili grunted noncommittally. He read his text.

_Hi Fili, it’s Tauriel. You gave me your number last night when we spoke. Would you like to grab coffee with me sometime and get to know each other better? Let me know when you’re free._

“...We’re ok, right Fili? ...Fee?”

Fili was going to fix this, he decided, in any way he could. Fili pressed to reply. _Hey Tauriel. I’m free tomorrow. When and where would you like to hang out?_ He hit send. He put his phone into his pocket and looked at his brother.

“We’re fine, Kili,” he replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow Fili sending mix signals much? What a jerk. But he's trying so hard to be good at the risk of damaging his relationship with Kili.
> 
> I have a good idea of where I want this story to go and bunch of notes written, it's just a matter of writing it all out. I'm pretty sure the next bits will be from Kili's POV so we'll get to see how he's faring in all of this. Thanks again to everyone who read, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews and concrit are always love. Will write more of this if it's wanted? Thanks for reading!


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